Cleaning it up sounds as pleasurable as counting grains of sand at Mission Beach. Luckily, cleaning up your muck-filled ride and making it into a gleaming machine is not as complicated as splitting an atom, and I am here to help you navigate through the dirt and bubbles. Continue?

The first step on your list is a high-pressure wash: Grab hold of that hose like a painter with their brush, and let those streams of water coax the loose dirt to step aside. At this stage, it’s contextually not so much about delicacy and more a bar brawl — you just want the majority gone! Soap might seem simple, but the right combination is paramount. We’re not talking about your grandmother’s dish soap. Using a car-specific shampoo, something that is courteous to your paint just like a gentleman, would treat a lady. Once your sudsy brew is ready, grab a mitt — one that will be as soft as a cloud — and start to lather. What’s the secret here? Begin at the top and work your way down, gravity is with you. And really, who wants dirty water to go on a clean place? The thing to remember while cleaning: success comes with soft strokes. Think of it as putting your car in for a massage rather than in for a wash, appropriate for creaky, rusty pots. Use a two-bucket method — one for soap, one for rinsing the glove. It stops dirt from entering your foamy concoction, and nobody wants to get dirty in a bubble bath.

Ah, but here we are on the wheels, the dirt attractors. These folks encounter more gunk than a street sweeper, so treat them to specialized cleaners made for that ringside muck. Use a bristled brush hard enough for the job but gentle on surfaces. Think of your wheels as the jewels in your tiara, requiring extra care.